If You Can’t Say Something Nice…

This post was to be about something I’ve actually learned, a little lesson I wouldn’t have noticed or cared about when I was younger because I was too impulsive, impatient, and hot-tempered. Don’t get me wrong, I haven’t mellowed in my old age, I still throw tantrums that can halt a herd of stampeding elephants, but I’ve accepted a few things here and there.

For instance, some people just suck. Really. I used to sit around agonizing about why somebody would say or do something that could be hurtful to someone else. Now? “They suck.” It’s a pithy observation, isn’t it? I can’t be bothered to dissect the vagaries of their personality. There really is no more to add. We all know people who suck, but why do they?

The ones who suck do so because they’re toxic. For whatever reason, no matter how nice you try to be, or how cheery, they will crap on your day. Really. No matter what is making you happy, they’ll attack it with rabid joy. If they do so on Twitter or Facebook, I hit block and defriend. Marvelous! I, if you haven’t noticed, am an Eeyore. I believe there is a black cloud that looms over me (yes, my Twitter handle is ironic), but I won’t sit around trying to pull you down with me. Nor will I expect you to be as outraged as I am about whatever is causing my latest rant. The toxic ones cannot abide someone having a good day. I used to get really upset about these phone calls or visits with them, but one calm evening, while having drinks with a friend, it was pointed out to me that to be around toxicity is to absorb it into your life. Who needs that? It’s like requesting an asbestos wrap at the day spa. Friendships are built on goodwill and love. Why keep them in your life if they can’t support you in the bad times and celebrate with you in the good?

My friend was right. Since then, I pared my interactions down to a manageable limit. I still come across them on Facebook, at the grocery store, or get their “blocked” calls on my cell phone, but for the most part, I’m happier without dealing with their negativity. And that’s what describes these people perfectly: negativity. They’re the envious ones, the ones who make light of what you’ve got to celebrate, or who say belittling things behind your back. I’m a Leo, believe me, if I’ve a problem with you, you’ll get it to your face. Cowardice, negativity, and envy do not make good friends. They make toxic people. Rise above and move away from them. You’ll be happier.

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16 thoughts on “If You Can’t Say Something Nice…

  1. OK, slightly embaressed here, I think my exact words were “if you say that you are old again I’ll come and beat the head off of you” but I’ll accept that I was slightly at wits end at trying to convince you that you weren’t old and might not have remembered it correctly. I am pretty sure i did threaten to buy you a walking stick and some other granny gear items a few minutes later if you kept it up. I will also keep the rest of this line of thought in case you start this “I am old” crap again.

    What your friend said is true, friends are there when you are down and in trouble. They try and help you out of the situation not try and push you further into the trouble. I will admit that at times I could probably do more for my friends when they are in trouble. I know that when you are down there is little I can physically to dispel the gloom so I normally at least try and get you to smile, even if it is for a few seconds I like to think that it has done something good (and please just agree, dont think my poor fragile ego could take the truth).

    As for you black cloud, an intresting thought. I could try and spin it but I am no psychologist and not sure how effective and useful anything I say about it would be any good or just pure BS. What I will say is that your friends will be the ones with the torches and umbrellas around you if your black cloud does descend, and stop thinking purely of the blackness of the cloud but start also thinking of how bright life will eb when the cloud is gone

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  2. It’s a great blog, full of truths and good advice. The sad thing is that these
    “Hazardous to your health” people always seem to get people to play
    the “game” with them; other people who love the “drama dance!”

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  3. As an Eeyore myself – I am in full ageement with your post and the differences between toxic and Pooh characters. All I can say is amen, love it. Also reminds me of a jerk I heard about on Twitter – blocking ppl because they were trying to help a friend. Toxic he certainly is. Twitter like Facebook is there to express yourself, share with your friends and have fun. If someone cannot do this without craping on others, they need to find somewhere else to ‘express’ themselves. for those having one off day, I can accept that and forgive – sometimes people act mean, to punish themselves. A whole week or more – I think I’d point it out, if they continue – bye bye. Thanks Denise for once again saying what needs to be said 🙂

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  4. Another great post, Denise! I would think it’s cute that you identify with Eeyore and the black cloud hanging over you, but I know that is really how you feel. {Fingers crossed} that your book will be a best seller and you’ll get out from under the cloud once and for all.
    Her entire life, my daughter has taught me to rejoice in our friends’ good fortune. She gets as excited for them as she does for herself.
    And, you are SO right, we definitely get contaminated if we associate with those toxic people! I like your attitude about “they suck” and just leave it at that. Too often, I’ve gotten caught up and dragged down trying to “help.”
    Okay, let’s get serious now ~ if you insist on carrying on about how “old” you are, you are going to really hurt my feelings because that would mean that you consider me ancient and with one foot in the grave! I’ll have you know that I feel younger now than I did ten years ago if not twenty. I’m definitely more willing to try new things and to take a risk. It truly is all in your attitude, sweetheart, and YOU have NO reason to feel old! You are beautiful and passionate about life {and the NY Yankees} and compassionate ~ so you better STOP THAT! Unless you’re willing to hurt this poor old lady’s feelings. ;-P I love you anyway. *big squishy hugs*

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  5. Excellent post Denise, and a subject that merits discussion!

    I certainly don’t profess to be perfect, but I do try to live by an ideal that my mother and father first taught me: treat others as you’d want to be treated yourself.

    So this post, even from just the title, speaks to me.

    If only more people thought this way!

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  6. Well if you were into Scientology, which I suspect you’re not and I know I am not, you would discover what they call the suppressive personality. They believe that some people have “suppressive” power over others through their actions, attitudes and personalities. These are people who should be removed from a position to influence them. They are not just toxic but malignant. These are the people you speak of and you are very smart to defriend, block and excommunicate them. There are way too many cool people in the world–and they’re becoming even easier to meet and get to know–for us to waste and time on people who are a-waste-of-time. D’Accord!

    (hoping nothing is misspelled)

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  7. I know that I am more advanced in years than you. I also know that I am one of those annoying tweeps who think that you look simply fabulous and eschew the age talk.

    Dani is so right on about the value of feeling joy in other’s good fortune. Nothing feels better than a friend’s success and feeling of pride. Sadly there are many toxic, unhappy, passive-aggressive folks masquerading as our “friends.” When I turned 60 I vowed that I would rid myself of such
    people as life is too short to be brought down by negative, angry people who transport their baggage wherever they go and whomever they are with.

    I loved your post, Denise and wish you a life-time free of toxicity. You are too alive, too creative and too healthy to mess with that ilk. Thanks for provoking thought.

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  8. I have been introduced to the term “energy vampires”. So that is how I think of people who suck. See? It kinda goes together. They SUCK. They suck the life out of you. They suck your energy. They are negative.

    I have come to realize that is ok for me to not allow them to be in my life. It is ok, to rid yourself of the vampires.

    Becky keeps mentioning you, so I have wandered over.

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    1. I call myself a WOW–wise, wacky, weary, old woman. At 73, I don’t want to be told I am not old. At the same time, I try to avoid dissing others. So instead of saying someone sucks, I think sad sort or trying but not making it.
      Stay strong.

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